SACRรE ARNAQUE ! โ Sermon du dimanche ร la Premiรจre รglise des Contradictions รternelles๐
Lรฉgende (Franรงais) :
“Un Christ Hypocrite prรชche en direct sur un iPhone dorรฉ, portรฉ par une nuรฉe dโencens et de signaux Wi-Fiโavant de lancer sa nouvelle ligne de produits saints.”
Want it in a more sarcastic or biblical tone?
HOLY SHAM! โ A Sunday Sermon from the First Church of Eternal Contradictions
By Zucker, Zucker & Abrahams (well… sort of)
It was Sunday in the Holy Mall of Virtuous Retail, where the neon cross blinked just above the Discount Baptismal Pools (Buy 1 Cleanse, Get 1 Soul Free!). Inside the megachurch, where fog machines met incense and the choir auto-tuned itself into a trance, Reverend Buck Savior strode to the pulpit in Yeezys, a Bluetooth halo, and a golden robe sponsored by ExxonMobil.
โBrothers, sisters, influencers!โ he bellowed. โLet us worship in truth, love, and tax deductions!โ
A shout rose from the crowd: โTestify!!โ
โBut only if itโs not inconvenient,โ Buck added with a wink. โAnd only if it doesnโt threaten our brand partnerships.โ
The Hypocritic Christsโข lined the front rowโdesigner-bearded, six-packed, hashtag-blessed avatars of performative virtue. One sipped a cruelty-free artisanal mocha while filming a TikTok prayer. Another signed Bibles for $49.99 (autographed by his publicist).
โTodayโs lesson,โ Buck continued, โis from the Book of Optics, Chapter 5, Verse โLike & Subscribe.โ โAnd lo, the Messiah said: Love thy neighborโฆ unless their lawn signs offend you.โโ
A thunderous applause rang outโwell, it was the applause app, triggered by an intern backstage.
Meanwhile, the SermonCam zoomed in on a tearful Hypocritic Christ as he confessed, โI once forgave someone without going viral. Never again.โ
The crowd gasped. Babies cried. One woman fainted into a pile of salvation-branded throw pillows.
After the sermon, the congregation gathered for Communionโvegan gluten-free crackers and kombucha, blessed by a wellness influencer with a doctorate in Reiki from YouTube University.
The final benediction came not from the Bible, but from the Gospel of Zuckerberg:
โMay your algorithm be ever faithful, your followers ever growing, and your contradictions forever cloaked in good lighting.โ
And with that, they streamed outโfists full of charity merchandise, hearts full of branded righteousness, and souls ready to judge without introspection.
Because what is modern sainthood if not monetized?
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SACRรE ARNAQUE ! โ Sermon du dimanche ร la Premiรจre รglise des Contradictions รternelles
Cโรฉtait un dimanche comme les autres au Saint Centre Commercial des Vertus Retailโข, lร oรน une croix nรฉon clignotait au-dessus des Piscines Baptismales ร Rรฉduction (1 purification achetรฉe, 1 รขme offerte).
Dans la mรฉga-รฉglise, entre la brume des machines ร fumรฉe et les vapeurs dโencens, la chorale autotunรฉe chantait les louanges du Trรจs-Hautโฆ des profits.
Le Rรฉvรฉrend Buck Sauveur surgit au pupitre, vรชtu de Yeezys, dโun halo Bluetooth et dโune robe dorรฉe sponsorisรฉe par ExxonMobil.
ยซ Frรจres, sลurs, influenceurs ! ยป cria-t-il. ยซ Prions pour la vรฉritรฉ, lโamour et les dรฉductions fiscales ! ยป
Les Christs Hypocritesโข occupaient le premier rang : barbes stylisรฉes, abdos Photoshop, bรฉnis-sois-tu en hashtags.
Lโun sirotait un moka รฉthique tout en filmant une priรจre TikTok.
Lโautre signait des Bibles ร 49,99 โฌ โ dรฉdicacรฉes par son attachรฉe de presse.
ยซ La leรงon du jour vient du Livre des Optiques, Chapitre 5, verset โLike et Abonne-toi.โ
Et le Messie dit : โAime ton prochain… sauf sโil vote diffรฉremment.โ ยป
Tonnerre dโapplaudissements. Enfinโฆ de lโapp de bruitage activรฉe en coulisses.
Puis vint la communion : crackers sans gluten et kombucha bรฉnis par une influenceuse bien-รชtre diplรดmรฉe en reiki sur YouTube.
Et pour conclure, la Bรฉnรฉdiction selon Saint Zuckerberg :
ยซ Que votre algorithme soit fidรจle, vos abonnรฉs nombreux, et vos contradictions filtrรฉes avec goรปt. ยป
Et le peuple sโen alla, le cลur lรฉger, les poches pleines de produits dรฉrivรฉs sacrรฉs, prรชt ร juger en paix.
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รTIQUETTES (TAGS) :
Franรงais :
satire religieuse, parodie chrรฉtienne, humour absurde, Zucker Abrahams Zucker, รฉglise moderne, hypocrisie spirituelle, tรฉlรฉvangรฉlisme, culture rรฉseaux sociaux, Bernd Pulch, comรฉdie satirique, messe en streaming, influenceurs religieux, religion commerciale, Jรฉsus 2.0
Bernd Pulch 