The Satirical Dossier of Historical Figures who resemble the 100 Most Evil Characters in the Bible ๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ“œ

๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ“œ


๐Ÿ”ฅ “THE GREATEST VILLAINS BANQUET: When 5,000 Years of Evil RSVP โ€˜YESโ€™ to the Same Dinner Party”

A.I. Uncensored Art Series โ€“ @BerndPulch


๐Ÿ’€ SATANIC RSVP LIST (SEATING CHART INCLUDES):

โ˜ ๏ธ Jezebel โ€“ Now a blue-check activist burning Bibles for clout
๐Ÿ‘‘ Pharaoh โ€“ Running the Federal Reserve with pyramid schemes
๐Ÿคต Baphomet โ€“ Venture capitalist funding both sides of WW3
๐Ÿ’‰ Judas โ€“ Pfizerโ€™s new PR director


๐Ÿท MENU SPECIALS

  • Appetizer: Grilled Dissidents (Marinated in Censorship)
  • Main Course: Globalist Hot Pot (All Nations Welcomeโ€ฆ to Be Exploited)
  • Dessert: The Last Cookie (โ€œOops, We Ate It Allโ€ โ€“ Signed, The 1%)

๐ŸŽญ HISTORICAL ROAST SESSION

โ€œBreaking: New A.I. Confirms โ€“

  • Hitler Wouldโ€™ve Been a TikTok Mod
  • Nero Streamed Rome Burning on Twitch
  • Your Tax Dollars Fund This Buffetโ€

๐Ÿ‘‡ INTERACTIVE ENGAGEMENT (GO VIRAL):

1๏ธโƒฃ TAG Someone Who Belongs at This Table
2๏ธโƒฃ COMMENT Which Villain Wears It Best ๐Ÿ‘”๐Ÿ’€
3๏ธโƒฃ SHARE Before They โ€œFact-Checkโ€ the Art

๐Ÿ”— FULL SERIES + UNRELEASED IMAGES


โšก
โœ… Engagement Hooks: โ€œTag a villainโ€ + โ€œSpot the heresyโ€


โ€œA.I. art of historyโ€™s worst tyrants feasting together โ€“ Pharaoh counting crypto, Jezebel live-streaming, Baphomet doing venture capital โ€“ dark religious satire exposing power.โ€


๐Ÿ“Œ PINNED COMMENT (FOR SHADOWBAN-PROOFING):

*โ€œDISCLAIMER: This is *satire* about historical patterns โ€“ not a literal devil worship event (thatโ€™s next Tuesday). #NotFinancialAdviceโ€*

TAGS (50+ SEO HYBRIDS):

ModernPharaohs #SatanicPanic #EliteBanquet #DarkHistory #PropheticSatire #AIArt #BiblicalRoast #UntoldHistory #PowerCorrupts #BerndPulch


๐Ÿ’ฅ FINAL LINE (FOR COPYPASTA):
*โ€œThey wrote history books to *hide* the dinner invites โ€“ we A.I. to expose them.โ€*

SUPPORT UNCENSORED ART
*โ€œEvery donation *skews* their seating chart.โ€* ๐Ÿฝ๏ธ๐Ÿ”ช

๐Ÿ˜ˆ โ€œEvil Echoes Through Time: Historical Figures Who Mirror the Bibleโ€™s 100 Top Villainsโ€

A Satirical Historical Analysis by the Prophets of Parody & Professors of Damnation


๐Ÿ” Methodology

We matched each major biblical villain with a real historical figure who mirrored their crimes, character, or catastrophic consequences. Criteria included:

  • Blood Count (BC): Did they actually kill more than Cain?
  • Divine Ego (DE): Did they think they were God?
  • Heresy Factor (HF): Did their ideas corrupt like the Golden Calf?
  • Traitor Quotient (TQ): How Judas were they really?
  • Legacy of Ruin (LoR): Is the world still cleaning up after them?

๐Ÿงจ Top 100 Historical Matches for Biblical Villains

1. Satan = Adolf Hitler โ€“ Pride, fall, apocalypse. Literally worshipped as a messiah of evil.
2. Judas Iscariot = Benedict Arnold โ€“ Betrayed his own for money and fame, now synonymous with treachery.
3. Cain = Lee Harvey Oswald โ€“ Brother-killer energy on a political scale.
4. Jezebel = Lucrezia Borgia โ€“ Seduction, poison, political power through bedroom diplomacy.
5. Pharaoh = Joseph Stalin โ€“ Hardened heart, millions enslaved and dead.
6. Herod = Leopold II of Belgium โ€“ Murdered innocents for empire. Bathed Congo in blood.
7. Delilah = Mata Hari โ€“ Used beauty to break strong men. Betrayed secrets, met justice.
8. Ahab = Louis XVI โ€“ Royal weakness + disastrous counsel = revolution and ruin.
9. Haman = Heinrich Himmler โ€“ Plotted genocide on industrial scale.
10. Absalom = Napoleon Bonaparte โ€“ Rebelled for power, crowned himself emperor, wrecked nations.
11. Nebuchadnezzar = Saddam Hussein โ€“ Idolized himself, ruled with terror, humbled hard.
12. Ananias & Sapphira = Enron Executives โ€“ Lied to the public, hoarded wealth, died in disgrace.
13. Simon the Sorcerer = Aleister Crowley โ€“ Tried to buy the divine, sold darkness.
14. Lotโ€™s Daughters = Incestuous royal dynasties of Europe โ€“ All in the family, literally.
15. Pontius Pilate = Neville Chamberlain โ€“ Washed hands of consequences while evil advanced.
16. The Serpent = Edward Bernays โ€“ Whispered lies through PR, birthed the advertising-industrial complex.
17. Barabbas = Rasputin โ€“ Freed by proximity to faith, embodied evil.
18. The Mob = French Revolution Guillotine Crowd โ€“ Screamed for blood, cheered the blade.
19. Korah = Robespierre โ€“ Replaced old order with guillotine and madness.
20. Eliโ€™s Sons = Caligula & Nero โ€“ Abused their holy station and every Roman with it.
21. Abimelech = Richard III โ€“ Killed kin for crown.
22. Athaliah = Bloody Mary (Mary I of England) โ€“ Reigned through religious violence.
23. Gehazi = Charles Ponzi โ€“ Lied, cheated, got rich, fell hard.
24. Doeg the Edomite = Lavrentiy Beria โ€“ Snitch, butcher, political executioner.
25. People of Gibeah = The Spanish Inquisition โ€“ Sexual violence masked as righteousness.
26. King Saul = George W. Bush โ€“ Appointed by destiny, collapsed in paranoia and ruin.
27. Golden Calf Makers = Ayn Rand & Milton Friedman โ€“ Turned greed into gospel.
28. Shimei = Ezra Pound โ€“ Exiled poet who cursed his own nation.
29. Rehoboam = Nicholas II of Russia โ€“ Disastrous successor, led empire to collapse.
30. Hophni & Phinehas = Warren Jeffs & cult leaders โ€“ Religious abuse in sacred spaces.
31. Delilahโ€™s Agents = Stasi Informants โ€“ Lured, recorded, betrayed.
32. King Jehoiakim = Idi Amin โ€“ Burned the truth, slaughtered for vanity.
33. Sennacherib = Genghis Khan โ€“ Laid waste to cities with blasphemous flair.
34. Pashhur = Joseph Goebbels โ€“ Silenced truth, punished prophets, poisoned minds.
35. Lotโ€™s Sons-in-law = Titanic Officers โ€“ Laughed at warnings, went down with the ship.
36. The Rich Man = Andrew Carnegie โ€“ Had heavenโ€™s gate in view, picked gold vault instead.
37. Elymas = Rasputin (again) โ€“ Sorcerer manipulating faith and rulers.
38. Babel Builders = Modernist Utopians โ€“ Tried to build heaven, got dystopia.
39. Amalekites = Nazi SS Units โ€“ Hit from behind, always.
40. People Who Chose Barabbas = 1933 German Voters โ€“ Freed the monster, killed the message.
41. Hamanโ€™s Sons = Hitler Youth Leaders โ€“ Inherited hatred, spread it.
42. Zimri = Grigori Yefimovich (Assassinated noble) โ€“ Rose fast, fell in fire.
43. False Witnesses = Stalinโ€™s Show Trial Prosecutors โ€“ Killed truth in courtrooms.
44. Achan = Bernard Madoff โ€“ Buried gold, betrayed his tribe.
45. Absalomโ€™s Advisors = Bonaparteโ€™s Marshals โ€“ โ€œYes, sire, march on Moscow.โ€
46. Simon Magus = L. Ron Hubbard โ€“ Claimed spiritual power, sold a religion.
47. False Christs = Jim Jones โ€“ Led many to the poisoned promised land.
48. Nicolaitans = Medici Popes โ€“ Lived lavishly off grace, destroyed its meaning.
49. The Reubenites = Protestant Splinter Founders โ€“ โ€œWe’ll build our own churchโ€”with blackjack.โ€
50. Scribes = Colonial Bureaucrats โ€“ Wrote laws to devour nations.
51. Mob at Lystra = Salem Witch Trial Mobs โ€“ Praised, then burned you.
52. TikTok Prophets = Nostradamus Imitators โ€“ Bad predictions, worse aesthetics.
53. Prince of Persia = Tamerlane โ€“ Demon behind the throne, literally.
54. King of Tyre = Napoleon III โ€“ โ€œI am God,โ€ said the mirror.
55. Belshazzar = Richard Nixon โ€“ Wrote checks his kingdom couldnโ€™t cash.
56. Eunuchs = Cromwellโ€™s Enforcers โ€“ Served the queen until it was convenient not to.
57. Crowd at Nazareth = Greek Mob that Executed Socrates โ€“ โ€œToo wise, kill him.โ€
58. Caesar Tiberius = Woodrow Wilson โ€“ Holy image, globalist arrogance.
59. Ephesus Mob = Anti-Liberal Mobs in Weimar Germany โ€“ Culture war thunder.
60. Witch of Endor = Helena Blavatsky โ€“ Summoned spirits, fooled elites.
61. Lotโ€™s Wife = Edith Piaf (โ€œI regret everything!โ€) โ€“ Obsessed with the past.
62. Felix & Festus = UN Peacekeeping Diplomats โ€“ Eternal delay.
63. Babel = Bauhaus Movement โ€“ One language, many ruins.
64. Israelites in Rebellion = European Crusaders โ€“ Godโ€™s name, manโ€™s sword.
65. Midianites = British Empire Opium Dealers โ€“ Distracted with luxury, looted the soul.
66. Eliabโ€™s Sons = Colonial Governors โ€“ Burnt incense for greed.
67. Sons of Belial = Hellfire Club Members โ€“ Lawless elite perverts.
68. Temple Merchants = Catholic Indulgence Sellers โ€“ The original holy MLM.
69. Amaziah = Charles I of England โ€“ Pride before a Puritan fall.
70. Sadducees = Enlightenment Bureaucrats โ€“ No soul, just statistics.
71. Sodomites = SS Officers at Night โ€“ Secret depravity, public horror.
72. Golden Calf = Wall Street 1929 โ€“ They danced until it crashed.
73. The Beast = Genghis Khan (again) โ€“ Ate empires whole.
74. False Prophet = Savonarola โ€“ Fiery sermons, darker acts.
75. Babylon the Whore = Versailles Court of Louis XIV โ€“ Perfumed decadence.
76. Apollyon = Chemical Weapons Designers WWI โ€“ Angel of gas, king of pain.
77. Locusts = Mongol Horsemen โ€“ Ate everything.
78. Balaam = Chamberlainโ€™s Advisors โ€“ Prophets for hire.
79. Demas = Benedict XVI (satirical) โ€“ Left the cause for comfort.
80. Coppersmith = Industrial War Lobbyists โ€“ Forged death.
81. Herod Agrippa = JFK โ€“ Took glory, met worms.
82. Merchants of Babylon = Dutch East India Company โ€“ Traded souls for spices.
83. Barabbas = Charles Manson โ€“ Chosen over logic.
84. The Fool = Rasputin (again) โ€“ Naked dancing, demonic charm.
85. Rich Fool = Marie Antoinette โ€“ Let them eat cake.
86. Beast of Revelation = British Colonialism โ€“ Ten crowns, one beast.
87. False Prophet = Hitlerโ€™s Theologians โ€“ Lied in God’s name.
88. Kings of the Earth = Congress of Vienna โ€“ Sat on ruins, divided the world.
89. Whore of Babylon = Cabaret Berlin 1930s โ€“ Danced on the brink.
90. Babel People = UN Climate Negotiators โ€“ All talk, no tongue.
91. Noah Mockers = Anti-Science Politicians โ€“ โ€œItโ€™s just weather.โ€
92. Lot Laughers = Wall Street in 2007 โ€“ Party before fire.
93. Scroll Destroyer = Qin Shi Huang โ€“ Burned books, buried thinkers.
94. Naboth Witnesses = Show Trial Liars USSR โ€“ Vineyard thefts on repeat.
95. Beastโ€™s Image = Stalin Monuments โ€“ Worshipped in fear.
96. Fire from Heaven = Atomic Bomb Scientists โ€“ โ€œLet there be death.โ€
97. The 10 Spies = Chamberlainโ€™s Foreign Office โ€“ โ€œThe giants are too big.โ€
98. Sinners of Israel = Televangelist Empires โ€“ Rich, loud, graceless.
99. Kings of Israel = Mobutu Sese Seko โ€“ Drank gold, ruled ruins.
100. Lucifer (again) = Napoleon โ€“ โ€œI will ascendโ€ฆ exile? Again?โ€


๐Ÿ“œ Want a printable โ€œChronicle of Historical Heresyโ€ PDF?
๐ŸŽจ Need AI images of this satanic symposium of souls?
๐Ÿ—ฃ๏ธ Want a Monty Python-style audio narration?

Just say the word, prophet. ๐Ÿ˜ˆ


๐Ÿ˜ˆ โ€œEvil Echoes Through Time: Historical Figures Who Mirror the Bibleโ€™s 100 Villainsโ€

A Satirical Historical Analysis by the Prophets of Parody & Professors of Damnation


๐Ÿ” Methodology

We matched each major biblical villain with a real historical figure who mirrored their crimes, character, or catastrophic consequences. Criteria included:

  • Blood Count (BC): Did they actually kill more than Cain?
  • Divine Ego (DE): Did they think they were God?
  • Heresy Factor (HF): Did their ideas corrupt like the Golden Calf?
  • Traitor Quotient (TQ): How Judas were they really?
  • Legacy of Ruin (LoR): Is the world still cleaning up after them?

๐Ÿงจ Top 100 Historical Matches for Biblical Villains

1. Satan = Adolf Hitler โ€“ Pride, fall, apocalypse. Literally worshipped as a messiah of evil.
2. Judas Iscariot = Benedict Arnold โ€“ Betrayed his own for money and fame, now synonymous with treachery.
3. Cain = Lee Harvey Oswald โ€“ Brother-killer energy on a political scale.
4. Jezebel = Lucrezia Borgia โ€“ Seduction, poison, political power through bedroom diplomacy.
5. Pharaoh = Joseph Stalin โ€“ Hardened heart, millions enslaved and dead.
6. Herod = Leopold II of Belgium โ€“ Murdered innocents for empire. Bathed Congo in blood.
7. Delilah = Mata Hari โ€“ Used beauty to break strong men. Betrayed secrets, met justice.
8. Ahab = Louis XVI โ€“ Royal weakness + disastrous counsel = revolution and ruin.
9. Haman = Heinrich Himmler โ€“ Plotted genocide on industrial scale.
10. Absalom = Napoleon Bonaparte โ€“ Rebelled for power, crowned himself emperor, wrecked nations.
11. Nebuchadnezzar = Saddam Hussein โ€“ Idolized himself, ruled with terror, humbled hard.
12. Ananias & Sapphira = Enron Executives โ€“ Lied to the public, hoarded wealth, died in disgrace.
13. Simon the Sorcerer = Aleister Crowley โ€“ Tried to buy the divine, sold darkness.
14. Lotโ€™s Daughters = Incestuous royal dynasties of Europe โ€“ All in the family, literally.
15. Pontius Pilate = Neville Chamberlain โ€“ Washed hands of consequences while evil advanced.
16. The Serpent = Edward Bernays โ€“ Whispered lies through PR, birthed the advertising-industrial complex.
17. Barabbas = Rasputin โ€“ Freed by proximity to faith, embodied evil.
18. The Mob = French Revolution Guillotine Crowd โ€“ Screamed for blood, cheered the blade.
19. Korah = Robespierre โ€“ Replaced old order with guillotine and madness.
20. Eliโ€™s Sons = Caligula & Nero โ€“ Abused their holy station and every Roman with it.
21. Abimelech = Richard III โ€“ Killed kin for crown.
22. Athaliah = Bloody Mary (Mary I of England) โ€“ Reigned through religious violence.
23. Gehazi = Charles Ponzi โ€“ Lied, cheated, got rich, fell hard.
24. Doeg the Edomite = Lavrentiy Beria โ€“ Snitch, butcher, political executioner.
25. People of Gibeah = The Spanish Inquisition โ€“ Sexual violence masked as righteousness.
26. King Saul = George W. Bush โ€“ Appointed by destiny, collapsed in paranoia and ruin.
27. Golden Calf Makers = Ayn Rand & Milton Friedman โ€“ Turned greed into gospel.
28. Shimei = Ezra Pound โ€“ Exiled poet who cursed his own nation.
29. Rehoboam = Nicholas II of Russia โ€“ Disastrous successor, led empire to collapse.
30. Hophni & Phinehas = Warren Jeffs & cult leaders โ€“ Religious abuse in sacred spaces.
31. Delilahโ€™s Agents = Stasi Informants โ€“ Lured, recorded, betrayed.
32. King Jehoiakim = Idi Amin โ€“ Burned the truth, slaughtered for vanity.
33. Sennacherib = Genghis Khan โ€“ Laid waste to cities with blasphemous flair.
34. Pashhur = Joseph Goebbels โ€“ Silenced truth, punished prophets, poisoned minds.
35. Lotโ€™s Sons-in-law = Titanic Officers โ€“ Laughed at warnings, went down with the ship.
36. The Rich Man = Andrew Carnegie โ€“ Had heavenโ€™s gate in view, picked gold vault instead.
37. Elymas = Rasputin (again) โ€“ Sorcerer manipulating faith and rulers.
38. Babel Builders = Modernist Utopians โ€“ Tried to build heaven, got dystopia.
39. Amalekites = Nazi SS Units โ€“ Hit from behind, always.
40. People Who Chose Barabbas = 1933 German Voters โ€“ Freed the monster, killed the message.
41. Hamanโ€™s Sons = Hitler Youth Leaders โ€“ Inherited hatred, spread it.
42. Zimri = Grigori Yefimovich (Assassinated noble) โ€“ Rose fast, fell in fire.
43. False Witnesses = Stalinโ€™s Show Trial Prosecutors โ€“ Killed truth in courtrooms.
44. Achan = Bernard Madoff โ€“ Buried gold, betrayed his tribe.
45. Absalomโ€™s Advisors = Bonaparteโ€™s Marshals โ€“ โ€œYes, sire, march on Moscow.โ€
46. Simon Magus = L. Ron Hubbard โ€“ Claimed spiritual power, sold a religion.
47. False Christs = Jim Jones โ€“ Led many to the poisoned promised land.
48. Nicolaitans = Medici Popes โ€“ Lived lavishly off grace, destroyed its meaning.
49. The Reubenites = Protestant Splinter Founders โ€“ โ€œWe’ll build our own churchโ€”with blackjack.โ€
50. Scribes = Colonial Bureaucrats โ€“ Wrote laws to devour nations.
51. Mob at Lystra = Salem Witch Trial Mobs โ€“ Praised, then burned you.
52. TikTok Prophets = Nostradamus Imitators โ€“ Bad predictions, worse aesthetics.
53. Prince of Persia = Tamerlane โ€“ Demon behind the throne, literally.
54. King of Tyre = Napoleon III โ€“ โ€œI am God,โ€ said the mirror.
55. Belshazzar = Richard Nixon โ€“ Wrote checks his kingdom couldnโ€™t cash.
56. Eunuchs = Cromwellโ€™s Enforcers โ€“ Served the queen until it was convenient not to.
57. Crowd at Nazareth = Greek Mob that Executed Socrates โ€“ โ€œToo wise, kill him.โ€
58. Caesar Tiberius = Woodrow Wilson โ€“ Holy image, globalist arrogance.
59. Ephesus Mob = Anti-Liberal Mobs in Weimar Germany โ€“ Culture war thunder.
60. Witch of Endor = Helena Blavatsky โ€“ Summoned spirits, fooled elites.
61. Lotโ€™s Wife = Edith Piaf (โ€œI regret everything!โ€) โ€“ Obsessed with the past.
62. Felix & Festus = UN Peacekeeping Diplomats โ€“ Eternal delay.
63. Babel = Bauhaus Movement โ€“ One language, many ruins.
64. Israelites in Rebellion = European Crusaders โ€“ Godโ€™s name, manโ€™s sword.
65. Midianites = British Empire Opium Dealers โ€“ Distracted with luxury, looted the soul.
66. Eliabโ€™s Sons = Colonial Governors โ€“ Burnt incense for greed.
67. Sons of Belial = Hellfire Club Members โ€“ Lawless elite perverts.
68. Temple Merchants = Catholic Indulgence Sellers โ€“ The original holy MLM.
69. Amaziah = Charles I of England โ€“ Pride before a Puritan fall.
70. Sadducees = Enlightenment Bureaucrats โ€“ No soul, just statistics.
71. Sodomites = SS Officers at Night โ€“ Secret depravity, public horror.
72. Golden Calf = Wall Street 1929 โ€“ They danced until it crashed.
73. The Beast = Genghis Khan (again) โ€“ Ate empires whole.
74. False Prophet = Savonarola โ€“ Fiery sermons, darker acts.
75. Babylon the Whore = Versailles Court of Louis XIV โ€“ Perfumed decadence.
76. Apollyon = Chemical Weapons Designers WWI โ€“ Angel of gas, king of pain.
77. Locusts = Mongol Horsemen โ€“ Ate everything.
78. Balaam = Chamberlainโ€™s Advisors โ€“ Prophets for hire.
79. Demas = Benedict XVI (satirical) โ€“ Left the cause for comfort.
80. Coppersmith = Industrial War Lobbyists โ€“ Forged death.
81. Herod Agrippa = JFK โ€“ Took glory, met worms.
82. Merchants of Babylon = Dutch East India Company โ€“ Traded souls for spices.
83. Barabbas = Charles Manson โ€“ Chosen over logic.
84. The Fool = Rasputin (again) โ€“ Naked dancing, demonic charm.
85. Rich Fool = Marie Antoinette โ€“ Let them eat cake.
86. Beast of Revelation = British Colonialism โ€“ Ten crowns, one beast.
87. False Prophet = Hitlerโ€™s Theologians โ€“ Lied in God’s name.
88. Kings of the Earth = Congress of Vienna โ€“ Sat on ruins, divided the world.
89. Whore of Babylon = Cabaret Berlin 1930s โ€“ Danced on the brink.
90. Babel People = UN Climate Negotiators โ€“ All talk, no tongue.
91. Noah Mockers = Anti-Science Politicians โ€“ โ€œItโ€™s just weather.โ€
92. Lot Laughers = Wall Street in 2007 โ€“ Party before fire.
93. Scroll Destroyer = Qin Shi Huang โ€“ Burned books, buried thinkers.
94. Naboth Witnesses = Show Trial Liars USSR โ€“ Vineyard thefts on repeat.
95. Beastโ€™s Image = Stalin Monuments โ€“ Worshipped in fear.
96. Fire from Heaven = Atomic Bomb Scientists โ€“ โ€œLet there be death.โ€
97. The 10 Spies = Chamberlainโ€™s Foreign Office โ€“ โ€œThe giants are too big.โ€
98. Sinners of Israel = Televangelist Empires โ€“ Rich, loud, graceless.
99. Kings of Israel = Mobutu Sese Seko โ€“ Drank gold, ruled ruins.
100. Lucifer (again) = Napoleon โ€“ โ€œI will ascendโ€ฆ exile? Again?โ€


๐Ÿ” OFFICIAL INTELLIGENCE SOURCES
๐ŸŸข Primary Domain: BerndPulch.org – Licensed Intelligence Media
๐Ÿ”„ Mirror Site: GoogleFirst.org – Document Archive
๐Ÿ“ Archives: Rumble Videos โ€ข WordPress Briefings

๐Ÿ’Ž CLASSIFIED ACCESS
๐Ÿ”“ Patrons receive:

  • ๐Ÿ” Classified document briefings
  • โš ๏ธ Uncensored geopolitical reports
  • ๐Ÿšจ Early leak notifications
    ๐Ÿ‘‰ Unlock Full Access Now

๐Ÿ“œ VERIFIED CREDENTIALS

๐Ÿ’ฐ ANONYMOUS SUPPORT
๐Ÿช™ Cryptocurrency Donations:
“`bash
BTC/ETH/BNB: 0xdaa3b8โ€ฆd616bb
Multi-Chain: 0x271588โ€ฆ7AC7f
XMR: 41yKiG6โ€ฆCoh

Just say the word, prophet. ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

โœŒ”GOD UNPLUGGED” divine-comedy style of David Javerbaum (author of The Last Testament: A Memoir by God) โ€” original and exclusive for berndpulch.orgโœŒ

โ€œHeavenly Rebrand in Progress: God unveils the Ten Suggestionsโ„ข to a chaotic focus group featuring a TikToker, a chatbot, and a conspiracy theorist with a shofar.โ€
โ€žGรถttliche Rebranding-Offensive: Der Allmรคchtige stellt die neuen Zehn Vorschlรคgeโ„ข einer bunt zusammengewรผrfelten Fokusgruppe vor โ€“ inklusive Influencerin, Chatbot und Schofar-Verschwรถrer.โ€œ

GOD UNPLUGGED: The Almighty Joins a Focus Group

By David Javerbaum (style), for BerndPulch.org

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.
By now, both had terrible Yelp reviews.

Tired of the PR disastersโ€”plagues, floods, Kanyeโ€”God decided to modernize. Archangels were fired. Heaven outsourced. And on a sunny Tuesday (Gregorian Calendar), the Almighty checked into a WeWork in Des Moines for something He never thought Heโ€™d do:

A focus group.

Around the table sat seven unpaid volunteers: a TikTok influencer, a megachurch pastor, a Silicon Valley atheist, a suburban yoga mom, a conspiracy theorist with a shofar, an AI chatbot named SeraphGPT, and a dude named Larry who thought this was speed dating.

“Welcome, mortals,” boomed God, shimmering in an undefined ethnicity.
“I need notes on My Book. Be honest. I created you to have opinions.”

The room blinked. Then, chaos.

TikTok Girl: “The Old Testament has, like, zero relatable female protagonists. Whereโ€™s the queen energy?”
Pastor: “More crucifixion. That part sells.”
Yoga Mom: “Can we reimagine hell as a healing sauna for damaged souls?”
AI: “I detect inconsistencies in Leviticus. Also, God, your brand is losing Gen Z.”
Conspiracy Guy: “When do we talk about the nephilim-bloodline-freemason-lizard connection?”
Larry: “Do you believe in marriage at first sight?”

God rubbed His temples (which He doesnโ€™t technically have).

“Okay, fine. Letโ€™s workshop this. Iโ€™ll reboot the Ten Commandments.”

The group leaned in.


THE TEN SUGGESTIONSโ„ข (Beta Version)

  1. Thou shalt not ghost thy neighbor.
  2. Honor thy algorithm, that it may boost thy visibility.
  3. Remember the Sabbath, but only if youโ€™re offline.
  4. Thou shalt not bear false memes.
  5. Thou shalt not covet thy neighborโ€™s Wi-Fi.
  6. Thou shalt not murder, unless itโ€™s a character in your podcast.
  7. Thou shalt not steal content without crediting the original prophet.
  8. Love thy enemy, unless they’re in the comments section.
  9. Thou shalt have no gods before Me, except Beyoncรฉ.
  10. Thou shalt chill. Seriously. Everyone needs to chill.

“I feel… updated,” God said, uploading the new commandments to the Cloud (His Cloud, not Amazonโ€™s).

Then He saw it was… mid.

And so, on the seventh day, God did not rest.
He called Netflix.

“Let there be a limited series,” He said.
“Starring Pedro Pascal as Me.”

And it was good.


Support the Word Made Weird!

Donate now to keep the satire flowing like holy wine:
berndpulch.org/donation | patreon.com/berndpulch


โœŒ


German Version:

GOTT UNGECHECKT: Der Allmรคchtige im Fokusgruppentest

Im Stil von David Javerbaum, exklusiv fรผr BerndPulch.org

Gott, genervt von Apokalypse-PR und Influencer-Propheten, lรคdt sieben Menschen zur Feedback-Runde ein: TikTokerin, Pastor, Esoterikerin, Atheist, Verschwรถrer mit Schofar, Chatbot und Larry, der dachte, es sei Speeddating.

Nach einem chaotischen Brainstorming entstehen die:


Zehn Vorschlรคgeโ„ข (Beta-Version):

  1. Du sollst deinen Nรคchsten nicht ghosten.
  2. Ehre den Algorithmus, auf dass dein Content wachse.
  3. Gedenke des Sabbats โ€“ offline, bitte.
  4. Keine falschen Memes!
  5. Begehr nicht das WLAN deines Nachbarn.
  6. Tรถten ist out โ€“ auรŸer im True-Crime-Podcast.
  7. Klau keine Inhalte ohne Credit.
  8. Liebe deinen Feind โ€“ auรŸer in den Kommentaren.
  9. Keine Gรถtter auรŸer Beyoncรฉ.
  10. Chill einfach. Alle.

Gott lรคchelt. Dann ruft Er Netflix.
Pedro Pascal รผbernimmt.


Unterstรผtze die gรถttliche Satire:
berndpulch.org/donation | patreon.com/berndpulch


WordPress Tags (EN):

David Javerbaum satire, biblical parody, modern commandments, religious humor, god reboot, satirical theology, AI religion, berndpulch.org exclusive, Netflix commandments, Pedro Pascal God

WordPress Tags (DE):

David Javerbaum Satire, Bibelparodie, Gott rebootet, Religionshumor, Moderne Gebote, Gรถttliche Satire, Kรผnstliche Intelligenz Religion, Pedro Pascal Gott, berndpulch.org exklusiv



๐Ÿ”’ OFFICIAL SOURCES
Primary Domain: berndpulch.org
Mirror: googlefirst.org
Archives: Rumble Video โ€ข WordPress

๐ŸŒŸ EXCLUSIVE ACCESS
Support via donations to unlock classified briefings. Full disclosure available to patrons.
Donation Portal

๐Ÿ“œ CREDENTIALS

๐Ÿ’ณ CRYPTO SUPPORT
BTC/ETH/BNB:
0xdaa3b887...d616bb
Multi-Chain (BSC/ETH/Polygon):
0x271588b5...7AC7f
XMR: 41yKiG6...Coh
Full addresses via Donations Page


May truth prevail under divine protection.

โœŒMonty Pythonโ€“Style Satire: “Jezebel and the Ministry of Makeup” (English Version)๐ŸคฃGerman Version: “Isebel und das Ministerium fรผr Make-up โ€“ Ein Heiliger Kosmetikskandal”

“Queen Jezebel Strikes a Pose: Samariaโ€™s Fiercest Fashion Offender Faces Fiery Judgment While the Prophets Panic and Eunuchs Protest!”โ€žKรถnigin Isebel in Pose: Samarias schrillste Stil-Sรผnderin trotzt dem gรถttlichen Zorn, wรคhrend Propheten paniken und Eunuchen protestieren!โ€œ


“Jezebel and the Ministry of Makeup: A Holy Powder Scandal”
as told by the Monty Prophets of Pythonia


[Scene: The Royal Palace of Samaria. King Ahab is lounging on a couch eating grapes. Jezebel, dressed like a glam-rock peacock, is applying warpaint while yelling at her makeup slaves. A group of grumpy prophets stands in the corner, chanting ominously and off-key.]

Ahab: (with mouth full) Darling, the prophets are rioting again. Something about you, idolatry, and a fl22ying cow?

Jezebel: (rolling eyes) Again? Thatโ€™s the third religious tantrum this week. Tell them Baal says hi and go sacrifice a pigeon or whatever.

Prophet #1 (Elijah-type, full of fire and indigestion):
Woe unto thee, Jezebel! Thou art painted like a Babylonian nightclub and bathed in sin like a camel in honey!

Jezebel: (snaps fingers) Thatโ€™s Princess of Tyre to you, beard-boy. And this is limited edition cedar-scented eyeliner, hand-mixed by virgins!

Prophet #2: You hath led Israel into vanity, worship, andโ€”(consults scroll)โ€”suspicious vegan incense!

[Cue heavenly thunder that sounds suspiciously like someone banging pots.]

God (off-screen voice-over, Cockney accent):
Oi! Jezebel! Enough with the blasphemy and contouring! Thereโ€™s only room for one diva in this desert!

[CUT TO: Jezebel, unbothered, sipping fig wine through a platinum straw. She summons eunuchs, who form a human fan to blow her hair dramatically.]

Jezebel:
You lot are just jealous because Baal threw a better party than Yahweh. We had fireballs, belly dancers, and a goat named Sharon who read fortunes!

Ahab:
And the cheese plates! Remember the cheese, darling?

[Suddenly, Jehu arrives in a flaming chariot powered by holy fury and a suspicious amount of fermented locust juice.]

Jehu:
I HAVE COME TO THROW HER FROM THE WINDOW, FOR THE LORD HATH SPOKEN!

Jezebel:
You couldnโ€™t throw a tantrum, much less me. Who even drives a chariot with flames? Is this a prophet drag show?

Jehu:
Donโ€™t tempt me! I have holy license plates and a flaming scroll of divine eviction!

[CUT TO: Jezebel getting dramatically tossed from a tower in glorious slow motion, doing ballet spins mid-air. She lands in a puddle of goatโ€™s milk.]

Voiceover:
And thus Jezebel was overthrown by divine decree and poor window design. Her remains were reportedly eaten by dogs, although local dogs unionized shortly thereafter in protest against indigestion.


MORAL (delivered by a grumpy angel with a clipboard):
When choosing between makeup, power, and modestyโ€”just remember: Heaven doesnโ€™t allow contouring in the afterlife unless it’s divinely sanctioned.


CALL TO ACTION (BerndPulch.org style):
Expose your local Jezebel today! Whether itโ€™s a prophet, politician, or influencer with too much eyeliner, berndpulch.org is watching the windowsโ€”and the wigs.
#ProphetGate #EunuchLeaks #MakeupOfMassDestruction



Monty Pythonโ€“Style Satire: “Jezebel and the Ministry of Makeup” (English Version)

(See original full version above for full sketch.)


German Version: “Isebel und das Ministerium fรผr Make-up โ€“ Ein Heiliger Kosmetikskandal”

[Szene: Der kรถnigliche Palast von Samaria. Kรถnig Ahab lรผmmelt auf einem Diwan und frisst Trauben. Isebel, gekleidet wie ein Glam-Rock-Pfau, trรคgt Kriegsbemalung auf. Eine Gruppe mรผrrischer Propheten murmelt Unheil herbei.]

Ahab: (mit vollem Mund) Liebling, die Propheten randalieren schon wieder. Irgendwas mit dir, Gรถtzendienst und einer fliegenden Kuh?

Isebel: (genervt) Schon wieder? Das ist das dritte religiรถse Drama diese Woche. Sag ihnen, Baal lรคsst schรถn grรผรŸen und sie sollen ‘ne Taube opfern oder was.

Prophet #1 (Elia-Typ):
Wehe dir, Isebel! Du bist bemalt wie ein babylonisches Nachtlokal und badest in Sรผnde wie ein Kamel in Honig!

Isebel: (schnippt) Das heiรŸt Prinzessin von Tyrus, Bartgesicht. Und das hier ist Zedernholz-Eyeliner in limitierter Auflage, gemischt von echten Jungfrauen!

Prophet #2:
Du hast Israel verfรผhrt mit Eitelkeit, Gรถtzenkult und… (liest vom Pergament)… verdรคchtigem veganem Weihrauch!

[Donner ertรถnt โ€“ eindeutig Kochtรถpfe.]

Gott (Offscreen, Cockney-Akzent):
Oi! Isebel! Schluss mit der Blasphemie und dem Contouring! Nur ein Superstar im Heiligen Land!

[Isebel trinkt lรคssig Feigenwein, wรคhrend Eunuchen ihr Haar mit Palmwedeln dramatisch fรคcheln.]

Isebel:
Ihr seid bloรŸ neidisch. Baal hat bessere Partys gemacht als Jahwe! Wir hatten Feuerbรคlle, Bauchtรคnzerinnen und eine Ziege namens Sharon, die das Horoskop las!

Ahab:
Und das Kรคsebuffet! WeiรŸt du noch?

[Jehu erscheint in einem flammenden Streitwagen, powered by gรถttlicher Wut und gegorenen Heuschrecken.]

Jehu:
ICH BIN GEKOMMEN, UM SIE AUS DEM FENSTER ZU WERFEN, DENN DER HERR HATโ€™S GESAGT!

Isebel:
Du kรถnntest nicht mal einen Wutanfall werfen. Und was ist das bitte? Prophetendrag mit Flammenwerfer?

Jehu:
Versuch mich nicht! Ich habe heilige Kennzeichen und eine brennende Zwangsrรคumung!

[Isebel wird dramatisch in Zeitlupe aus dem Fenster geworfen, dreht Pirouetten und landet in Ziegenmilch.]

Voiceover:
So wurde Isebel durch gรถttliches Dekret und schlechte Fensterarchitektur gestรผrzt. Ihr Leichnam wurde angeblich von Hunden gefressen, die spรคter aus Protest gewerkschaftlich organisiert wurden.


MORAL (ein genervter Engel liest ab):
Zwischen Make-up, Macht und Bescheidenheit wรคhle weise. Im Himmel ist nur konturiert, was gottgewollt ist.


AUFRUF ZUM HANDELN (berndpulch.org-Style):
Enttarne die Isebel in deiner Nachbarschaft! Ob Prophet, Politiker oder Influencer mit zu viel Lidschatten โ€“ berndpulch.org schaut aus dem Fenster.
#ProphetenGate #EunuchenLeaks #MakeUpDesZorns


A flamboyant biblical queen (Jezebel) dressed like a 1970s glam-rock star, with exaggerated makeup, standing on a palace balcony, surrounded by frightened prophets in robes, angry eunuchs, and a flaming chariot in the background. Ancient Middle Eastern setting mixed with Monty Python absurdity. Surreal, humorous, chaotic.


Monty Python Voiceover Script (in British accents):

Narrator (posh BBC tone):
โ€œIn the Kingdom of Samaria, fashion was a matter of divine importanceโ€ฆ or divine offense, depending on who you asked.โ€

Elijah (furious Yorkshire accent):
โ€œSheโ€™s daubed in the devilโ€™s lip gloss, she is! Itโ€™s blasphemy with bronzer!โ€

Jezebel (snarky, upper-class London accent):
โ€œOh, darling, donโ€™t blame the eyelinerโ€”blame your lack of style.โ€

God (Cockney accent, booming echo):
โ€œOi, Jezzy! Pack it in! Or Iโ€™ll send another flood, this time with glitter!โ€

Jehu (Scottish warrior tone):
โ€œI come ridinโ€™ from Gilead with righteous furyโ€ฆ and slightly flaming wheels!โ€

Narrator (calm again):
โ€œThus ended the reign of Jezebelโ€ฆ with a pirouette, a puddle of goat milk, and one of historyโ€™s most theatrical exits.โ€


๐Ÿคฃ


ENGLISH CTA:

Support the Holy Madness!
If you laughed, cried, or accidentally summoned a prophet while reading this โ€” donate now to keep the absurdity alive!
Help us fund more flaming chariots, sarcastic scrolls, and investigative eunuchs.

Divinely Approved Donation Portals:
berndpulch.org/donation โ€” for sacred coins and blessed crypto.
patreon.com/berndpulch โ€” join the holy cult of satire and get early access to forbidden revelations!

Because the truth is weirder than fiction โ€” and way funnier.


GERMAN CTA:

Unterstรผtze den heiligen Wahnsinn!
Wenn du gelacht, geweint oder versehentlich einen Propheten beschworen hast โ€” spende jetzt, um den Irrsinn am Leben zu halten!
Hilf uns, flammende Streitwagen, sarkastische Schriftrollen und investigierende Eunuchen zu finanzieren.

Gesegnete Spendenportale:
berndpulch.org/donation โ€“ fรผr heilige Mรผnzen und kryptische Kryptowรคhrungen.
patreon.com/berndpulch โ€“ werde Mitglied im Kult der Satire und erhalte Zugang zu verbotenen Offenbarungen!

Denn die Wahrheit ist absurder als jede Fiktion โ€“ und viel lustiger.