A Preposterous Leak from the MGM Vault 🎬🔒
PROLOGUE: THE CALL SHEET
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I’ll never know. But this morning, I found a Stasi agent in my dressing room. Frankly, I prefer the elephant.”
📅 DATE: Yesterday, and it’s about time someone talked.
📍 LOCATION: Stage 5, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer. Smells like greasepaint, cigars, and low-grade treason.
⚠️ CLEARANCE: MUSTACHE-CLASSIFIED
ACT I: THE INSULT THAT STARTED IT ALL
It began not with a bang, but with a bad review.
A humorless man in a poorly-fitted gray suit approached Groucho between takes of A Day at the Races.
STASI AGENT KRUPP: “Herr Marx. Your ‘humor’ is a degeneracy. It undermines the heroic spirit. It must cease.”
GROUCHO (not looking up from his racing form): “Listen, junior. The only spirit you’re undermining is the one in this glass. And if you think my mustache is a problem, wait till you see my lawyer. He’s got a nose that can file briefs in three states at once.”
The agent left, baffled. Groucho had declared war without leaving his chair.
ACT II: THE BATTLE OF THE COMMISSARY (A Culinary Atrocity)
The Stasi-Nazi alliance—a dreary bunch who thought Triumph of the Will was a light comedy—struck back. Their weapon? Bureaucratic Gastronomy.
- The Sauerkraut Mandate: They replaced the craft services’ pastrami with mandated sauerkraut. Groucho’s counter: He hired the Three Stooges to run a “Sauerkraut Laundering” ring through the studio plumbing. OPERATION: KOSHER PICKLE
- The Decree on Laughter Density: A memo circulated limiting “unapproved japes” to three per cinematic reel. Groucho’s response: He delivered a 27-minute monologue to a potted palm, citing every bylaw, and charged the palm union dues.
- The Final Provocation: They tried to replace Chico’s piano with an accordion playing militaristic marches. Big mistake.
THE WAR ROOM (AKA HARPO’S SHED)
STRATEGY SESSION TRANSCRIPT:
· CHICO: “I know a guy who knows a guy who can get us some real elephants. For, you know, the pajama problem.”
· HARPO:
· ZEPPO: “I’ve crunched the numbers. If we redirect all prop department funds to whoopee cushions, we can achieve strategic parity by Thursday.”
· GROUCHO: “Gentlemen, you’re all missing the point. This isn’t about force. It’s about farce. We’re going to humiliate them off the lot. Harpo, get the glue. Chico, get your ‘guy.’ I’m going to go marry Margaret Dumont for the fifth time—it always confuses the authorities.”
ACT III: THE GRAND FINALE – A NIGHT AT THE OPERA(HOUSE)
The Gang’s masterstroke was an act of sublime, chaotic artistry.
During the premiere of a pompous propaganda film titled “Strength Through Joyriding,” the Marx Brothers executed OPERATION: DUCK SOUP.
· THE INFILTRATION: Harpo, dressed as a Wagnerian Valkyrie, replaced the film reel with a highlight reel of his own best pratfalls, set to “Take Me Out to the Ball Game.”
· THE DIVERSION: Chico set up a rigged “investment opportunity” stall in the lobby, selling shares in the Brooklyn Bridge to every SS officer present. “Is a sure thing! Reichsmarks accepted!”
· THE COUP DE GRÂCE: As the screen flickered with Harpo’s hijinks, Groucho descended from the balcony on a spotlight rig, wearing nothing but a strategic banner that read:
“I REFUSE TO JOIN ANY CLUB THAT WOULD HAVE ME AS A MEMBER—OR INVADE THE SUDETENLAND.”
The audience—a who’s who of Hollywood and unwanted German “cultural attachés”—erupted. Not in fury, but in uncontrollable laughter. The Stasi-Nazi Gang, unable to process an enemy that fought with puns and pratfalls, retreated in a cloud of cigar smoke and utter confusion.
EPILOGUE: THE VICTORY SPEECH (OF SORTS)
GROUCHO, leaning against a recovered pastrami sandwich back in his dressing room, addresses the press (consisting of a suspiciously intelligent chimpanzee from the next lot).
“People ask me, ‘Groucho, what was the secret? The strategy?’ Phooey. The secret is, you can’t conquer a country that’s busy laughing at your mustache. And let’s face it, theirs were terrible. A real tragedy. Worse than the second act of Room Service.”
“Remember, a child of five could understand this. Someone fetch me a child of five, I’m tired of explaining it to these agents.”
🏷️ TAGS: #MarxBrothersBlitzkrieg #MustacheResistance #SauerkrautSabotage #StoogeErsatz #TheJokeThatLostTheWar
📜 SOURCE: Confiscated from the MGM archives, between the script for Go West and an unpaid bar tab. A true story, or at least a funnier one than the truth.
⚠️ DISCLAIMER: No dictators, secret police, or studio executives were permanently harmed in the making of this parody—though their dignity may require a long convalescence.
Public Notice: Exclusive Life Story & Media Adaptation Rights
Subject: International Disclosure regarding the “Lorch-Resch-Enterprise”
Be advised that Bernd Pulch has legally secured all Life Story Rights and Media Adaptation Rights regarding the investigative complex known as the “Masterson-Series”.
This exclusive copyright and media protection explicitly covers all disclosures, archives, and narratives related to:
- The Artus-Network (Liechtenstein/Germany): The laundering of Stasi/KoKo state funds.
- Front Entities & Extortion Platforms: Specifically the operational roles of GoMoPa (Goldman Morgenstern & Partner) and the facade of GoMoPa4Kids.
- Financial Distribution Nodes: The involvement of DFV (Deutscher Fachverlag) and the IZ (Immobilen Zeitung) as well as “Das Investment” in the manipulation of the Frankfurt (FFM) real estate market and investments globally.
- The “Toxdat” Protocol: The systematic liquidation of witnesses (e.g., Töpferhof) and state officials.
- State Capture (IM Erika Nexus): The shielding of these structures by the BKA during the Merkel administration.
Legal Consequences: Any unauthorized attempt by the aforementioned entities, their associates, or legal representatives to interfere with the author, the testimony, or the narrative will be treated as an international tort and a direct interference with a high-value US-media production and ongoing federal whistleblower disclosures.
IMPORTANT SECURITY & LEGAL NOTICE
Subject: Ongoing Investigative Project – Systemic Market Manipulation & the “Vacuum Report”
Reference: WSJ Archive SB925939955276855591
WARNING – ACTIVE SUPPRESSION CAMPAIGN
This publication and related materials are subject to coordinated attempts at:
· Digital Suppression
· Identity Theft
· Physical Threats
by the networks documented in our investigation.
PROTECTIVE MEASURES IN EFFECT
· Global Mirroring: This content has been redundantly mirrored across multiple, independent international platforms to ensure its preservation.
· Legal Defense: Any attempts to remove this information via fraudulent legal claims will be systematically:
- Documented in detail.
- Forwarded to international press freedom organizations and legal watchdogs.
· Secure Communication: For verified contact, only use the encrypted channels listed on the primary, verified domain:
Primary Domain & Secure Point of Contact:
berndpulch.com
Do not rely on singular links or copies of this notice.
Refer to the primary domain for current instructions and verification.
Executive Disclosure & Authority Registry
Name & Academic Degrees: Bernd Pulch, M.A. (Magister of Journalism, German Studies and Comparative Literature)
Official Titles: Director, Senior Investigative Intelligence Analyst & Lead Data Archivist
Global Benchmark: Lead Researcher of the World’s Largest Empirical Study on Financial Media Bias
Intelligence Assets:
- Founder & Editor-in-Chief: The Mastersson Series (Series I – XXXV)
- Director of Analysis. Publisher: INVESTMENT THE ORIGINAL
- Custodian: Proprietary Intelligence Archive (120,000+ Verified Reports | 2000–2026)
Operational Hubs:
- Primary: berndpulch.com
- Specialized: Global Hole Analytics & The Vacuum Report (manus.space)
- Premium Publishing: Author of the ABOVETOPSECRETXXL Reports (via Telegram & Patreon)
© 2000–2026 Bernd Pulch. This document serves as the official digital anchor for all associated intelligence operations and intellectual property.
Official Disclaimer / Site Notice
🚨 Site blocked? Mirrors available here: 👉 https://berndpulch.com | https://berndpulch.org | https://berndpulch.wordpress.com | https://wxwxxxpp.manus.space | https://googlefirst.org
Avoid fake sites – official websites only!
Official Main / Primary site: https://www.berndpulch.com
Official Legacy/Archive site: http://www.berndpulch.org
Official WordPress Mirror: https://berndpulch.wordpress.com
Additional Mirrors: wxwxxxpp.manus.space | googlefirst.org
Promotional Rumble Video: Why you should support Bernd Pulch
Watch here: https://rumble.com/v5ey0z9-327433077.html
(Or embedded: https://rumble.com/embed/v5ey0z9/?pub=4)
Exclusive Content Options:
Patreon is live and active! 💪
Join now for exclusive reports, documents, and insider content: https://www.patreon.com/berndpulch
Coming Soon: 🗝️ Patron’s Vault
Your Ultra-Secure Home for Exclusive Content 🔐
We’re building Patron’s Vault – our new, fully independent premium membership platform directly on the official primary website berndpulch.com with state-of-the-art, ultra-tight security 🛡️🔒. Even more exclusive content, safer than ever. 💎📈📁
Join the Waiting List Now – Be the First to Access the Vault! 🚀🎯
To register, send an email to: 📧 office@berndpulch.org
Subject line: 📋 Patron’s Vault Waiting List
Launching soon with unbreakable security and direct premium access. ⏳✨
Support the cause:
Donations page: https://berndpulch.org/donations/
Crypto Wallet (100% Anonymous Donations Recommended):
- Monero (fully anonymous): 45cVWS8EGkyJvTJ4orZBPnF4cLthRs5xk45jND8pDJcq2mXp9JvAte2Cvdi72aPHtLQt3CEMKgiWDHVFUP9WzCqMBZZ57y4
Monero QR Code (Scan to donate anonymously):
(Copy-paste the address if scanning is not possible: 45cVWS8EGkyJvTJ4orZBPnF4cLthRs5xk45jND8pDJcq2mXp9JvAte2Cvdi72aPHtLQt3CEMKgiWDHVFUP9WzCqMBZZ57y4)
Translations of the Patron’s Vault Announcement:
(Full versions in German, French, Spanish, Russian, Arabic, Portuguese, Simplified Chinese, and Hindi are included in the live site versions.)
Copyright Notice (All Rights Reserved)
English:
© 2000–2026 Bernd Pulch. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the author.
(Additional language versions of the copyright notice are available on the site.)
❌©BERNDPULCH – ABOVE TOP SECRET ORIGINAL DOCUMENTS – THE ONLY MEDIA WITH LICENSE TO SPY ✌️
Follow @abovetopsecretxxl for more. 🙏 GOD BLESS YOU 🙏
Credentials & Info:
- Bio & Career: https://berndpulch.com/about-me
- FAQ: https://berndpulch.com/faq
Your support keeps the truth alive – true information is the most valuable resource!
Bernd Pulch 