🗞️ IDIOT ZEITUNG: THE EDITH & ANDREAS POST-MORTEM
Sponsored by GoMoPa4Kids™ & StinkCoin™ — Because funding scandalous litigation is expensive.
🔒 CLEARANCE: FORBIDDEN_BLACKMAIL.LEAKED
🕵️ THE LEAK: Your favorite time-heist power couple is done. Newly leaked files confirm “E.dith” and “KaiserL Andreas” weren’t just partners in crime—they were partners in the most toxic romance since the Berlin Wall fell. They turned ancient relics into breakup weapons and made international finance their petty-cash drawer.
📜 THE FACTS
· Origin Story (1989): A meet-cute at the Wall. He was a warlock with scrolls; she thought they were menus. The first red flag.
· The Joint Account: A single Liechtenstein trust fund simultaneously bankrolled a neo-fascist art project (The Neon Reich) and a chain of vegan bratwurst trucks. Priorities.
· The Side Hustle: To afford his “dark lord” lifestyle, Andreas moved cursed Beanie Babies on 90s eBay. The true dark web.
☢️ THE BREAKUP (WEAPONS-GRADE)
When “ghosting” wasn’t enough, they escalated. Tactics included:
· E.dith’s Move: Flooding his ancestral castle with a spectral sewage called “Stink Eternal.” A class act.
· Andreas’s Retort: Hexing her Swiss vaults to only unlock to the sound of polka. A bureaucratic nightmare.
· Collateral Damage: The Schizo-Petes were forced to launder both money and history’s most notorious sleepwear (Hitler’s pajamas, Stalin’s socks).
Indy’s Verdict: “I’ve handled Nazis. I’ve handled cults. Ex-lovers with supernatural banking access? That’s true terror.”
👤 CHARACTER DOSSIERS
· E.dith | Alias: The Liquidator
· Last Seen: Repossessing a soul via Venmo request, powered by the Bundeslade.
· Hobby: Cleaning StinkCoin through Albanian TikTok dance trends.
· Motto: “Love is temporary. Tax evasion is forever.”
· Andreas | Alias: The Bankruptcy Sorcerer
· Last Seen: Summoning a debt-dragon to devour a bratwurst truck fleet.
· Hobby: Brewing love potions that consistently create llamas. 🦙
· Motto: “The only thing darker than my magic is her credit score.”
📸 “DIVORCE COURT OF THE DAMNED”
SCANDAL BULLETIN: The Ex-Files – Love, Lies, & Liechtenstein – FAN VERSION
SPONSOR: GoMoPa4Kids™ & StinkCoin™ — Your funds for their reckoning.
STATUS: LEAKED | ACTIONABLE_BLACKMAIL
INTEL: Forget the time-heist. The real plot was their toxic romance. E.dith and Andreas—ex-lovers who weaponized relics, laundered money, and turned their breakup into a financial and supernatural war.
THE EVIDENCE:
· 1989, Berlin Wall: A warlock’s scrolls. She thought they were takeout menus. A romance destined for ruin.
· The Offshore Slush Fund: One Liechtenstein account. Two ventures: a neo-fascist art cult and a vegan bratwurst empire. Financial schizophrenia.
· The Fallback Plan: Andreas funded his dark arts by selling cursed Beanie Babies on eBay. A fitting metaphor.
THE FALLOUT:
When texts went unanswered, the gloves came off.
· Weaponized Plumbing: E.dith flooded his castle with “Stink Eternal.” A petty, spectral sewage attack.
· Magical Bureaucracy: Andreas hexed her Swiss vaults. They now only open to polka music.
· Collateral: The Schizo-Petes became errand boys, laundering cash and the dirty laundry of 20th-century tyrants.
EXPERT WITNESS:
“Nazis? Fine. Exes? That’s true terror.” — Dr. Indiana Jones
THE PERPS:
· E.dith | The Ice Queen of Chaos
· Current Op: Repossessing a soul via Venmo. Powered by the Ark of the Covenant.
· Hobby: Money laundering through Albanian mafia TikTok dances.
· Quote: “Love is temporary. Tax evasion is forever.”
· Andreas | The Witch-King of Cringe
· Current Op: Deploying a debt-dragon to devour a bratwurst truck fleet.
· Hobby: Brewing love potions. They just turn people into llamas. 🦙
· Quote: “The only thing darker than my magic? Her credit score.”
VISUAL PROMPT: “APOCALYPSE, EX-STYLE”
Scene: E.dith, in a pantsuit of shredded tax returns, rides a dragon spewing crypto over a castle-turned-food-park. Andreas, from a throne of Beanie Baby corpses, hurls hexes. In the haze, Schizo-Petes juggle dictator’s pajamas and cash.
Style: 90s tabloid crossed with a dark fantasy. All lurid color and cursed texture.
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DEBRIEF:
“What’s the most supernatural revenge a toxic ex ever took?”
TAGS:
StasiExes #BratwurstBetrayal #CursedAssets #HexAndTaxes #TimeWarDivorce
SOURCE: BERNDPULCH.ORG — Documenting the implosion of power, one scandal at a time.
NEXT: The Schizo-Petes are unionizing. Demands include healthcare and time-travel overtime pay. 🌀⚖️
*⚠️ DISCLAIMER: No historical artifacts or llamas were permanently harmed in this reporting. Probably.
💎 HOW TO FUND THE AFTERMATH
This level of drama requires financial support. Contribute to their court-mandated spiritual remediation:
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💬 COMMENT PROMPT: “What’s the most supernatural thing a toxic ex ever did to you?”
🏷️ TAGS
FinanceOfTheDamned #BreakupHex #CursedAssets #StasiExes #BratwurstBankruptcy
BERNDPULCH.ORG — Documenting the collapse of empires, romantic and otherwise.
NEXT WEEK: The Schizo-Petes unionize. Healthcare and time-travel overtime are on the table. 🌀⚖️
⚠️ Disclaimer: No historical tyrants’ laundry was physically harmed in the making of this expose. Allegedly.
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