Europe’s Kebabpocalypse: The Muslim Invasion Masterplan Unveiled!
By the Fearless Ink of Charlie Hebdo
Merde alors! Europe is finished, mes amis! The Muslim horde has breached our sacred borders, not with tanks or bombs, but with an arsenal far deadlier: spicy kebabs , blaring muezzins , and an unholy army of goats ! The “Muslim invasion” is no longer a fevered X post from a basement patriot—it’s here, strangling our baguettes , drowning our wine in pomegranate juice , and turning the Louvre into a hookah lounge . Charlie Hebdo has cracked the code of this sinister plot and offers a scorched-earth plan to save our bacon —literally!
Let’s lay bare the terrifying truth. The Muslims—those crafty 5% of Europe’s population—have launched a full-scale takeover, so diabolical it makes Napoleon look like a street mime . Their weapons? Kebab carts that double as missile silos, pumping out falafel bombs to enslave our taste buds. Mosques popping up like mushrooms after a rain, each one a secret bunker for their global caliphate. And the women—mon Dieu!—their burqas are clearly ninja disguises , hiding AK-47s and blueprints to replace Big Ben with a giant minaret . Don’t believe us? Just listen to the “experts” on X, where every third post screams, “They’re breeding like roaches to replace us!” (Never mind that their birth rates are barely higher than ours—facts are for losers .)
The invasion’s playbook is chillingly clear. Step one: flood our streets with halal butchers , hypnotizing us with the sizzle of lamb . Step two: infiltrate our schools , swapping Shakespeare for the Quran and teaching kids to jihad instead of algebra . Step three: outlaw pork , bikinis , and existentialism , forcing us all to kneel on prayer rugs while chanting “Allahu Akbar” to a Spotify playlist . And step four: crown a bearded sultan in Brussels, who’ll rename the EU the “Emirate of Eurabia” and make Friday the only day of the week . It’s happening, people—your local imam is probably plotting this right now, between Uber shifts .
Who’s orchestrating this apocalypse? Not just the Muslims, who are too busy working minimum-wage jobs to stage a coup. No, the real puppet masters are the Camel Illuminati , a shadowy cabal of desert nomads controlling every falafel stand from Lisbon to Warsaw. Their spies? Those creepy goats again, grazing innocently while relaying intel via telepathic bleats . And don’t forget the babies—each Muslim toddler is a sleeper agent, trained to wail at 120 decibels until we surrender our cathedrals .
But Charlie Hebdo has a counter-invasion plan: Operation Pork Storm . Step one: carpet-bomb every kebab shop with vats of lard —halal food won’t survive the greasepocalypse. Step two: mandate daily bacon consumption for all citizens; refusers get branded with a pig tattoo . Step three: convert every mosque into a techno nightclub , blasting EDM until the invaders flee in horror . Step four: round up anyone with a beard , hijab , or a name longer than three syllables and ship them to an iceberg in the Arctic —let them build their caliphate on a glacier. And step five: nuke the goats . Twice. Those woolly jihadis won’t know what hit ‘em.
The payoff? Europe will be cleansed, a paradise of pork rinds and topless beaches . The far-right X warriors can finally stop whining, their “great replacement” nightmares vanquished . The economy will skyrocket as we export pig statues to every corner of the globe. And best of all, we’ll never again choke on a cumin seed or hear “inshallah” in a checkout line . Sure, the woke brigade will sob about “tolerance” or “humanity” . To them, we say: take your multiculturalism and shove it—preferably into a pork sausage . As for the Muslims who’ve been here for centuries, contributing math, medicine, and architecture? Irrelevant! They’re all part of the plot, obviously .
Call to Action for “Europe’s Kebabpocalypse: The Muslim Invasion Masterplan Unveiled! “
Wake up, patriots! The kebab carts are rolling, and the goats are plotting—Europe’s under siege, and Charlie Hebdo’s fearless ink is sounding the alarm! If our razor-sharp satire in “Europe’s Kebabpocalypse” has you laughing, raging, or ready to defend your baguettes , don’t just sit there—join the fight against the hysteria! Support the truth-tellers exposing the absurd with your hard-earned euros.
Back us on Patreon: Head to patreon.com/berndpulch and pledge your support to keep the satire flowing and the Camel Illuminati on the run. Every cent fuels our mission to skewer stupidity and defend Europe’s soul!
Donate directly: Can’t commit monthly? Drop a one-time donation at berndpulch.org/donation to arm us with the ink and audacity to keep the kebabpocalypse at bay.
Don’t let the falafel bombs win! Fund the resistance, share this article, and let’s send the fearmongers packing—preferably with a side of bacon . Act now, or it’s halal hummus for us all!
Backstory for “Europe’s Kebabpocalypse: The Muslim Invasion Masterplan Unveiled! “
In the smoke-filled, coffee-stained offices of Charlie Hebdo, nestled in a secret Paris bunker (because, let’s face it, they’ve had to dodge more than just angry letters), the editorial team hatched their latest grenade of satire in early 2025. The spark? A surge of X posts and far-right rants screaming about the “Muslim invasion” of Europe, blaming kebabs and goats for everything from declining wine sales to the rise of skinny jeans. Editor-in-chief Gérard Biard, sipping an espresso blacker than their humor, declared, “If they’re scared of falafel, let’s give them a whole damn Kebabpocalypse!”
The team—battle-scarred from decades of skewering sacred cows, surviving firebombs in 2011, and the horrific 2015 attack that claimed 12 of their own—knew the risks. But Charlie Hebdo was born from defiance, first emerging in 1970 after their predecessor Hara-Kiri got banned for mocking Charles de Gaulle’s death with a cheeky headline about a nightclub fire. They’d been poking the bear ever since, from Catholic nuns to Islamist extremists, with a pen sharper than a guillotine. Their mission? To laugh in the face of power, dogma, and paranoia, no matter the cost.
This time, the target was the fevered myth of “Muslimification,” a narrative fanned by politicians and X trolls who saw a caliphate in every corner shop. The team dove in, cackling over absurd conspiracies: kebab carts as missile silos, goats as telepathic spies, and a shadowy Camel Illuminati pulling the strings. Cartoonists scribbled a turbaned kebab skewer crushing the Arc de Triomphe , while writers cooked up a plan to “save” Europe with bacon bombs and nightclub mosques . The goal wasn’t just to mock the fearmongers but to bury them in their own ridiculousness.
Yet, as the ink dried, the team knew the stakes. Their 2006 Muhammad cartoons and 2011 “Charia Hebdo” issue had already made them al-Qaeda’s punching bag. The 2015 massacre, where brothers Saïd and Chérif Kouachi gunned down legends like Charb and Cabu, still haunted the newsroom. But Charlie Hebdo doesn’t back down. “If we stop laughing, they win,” said cartoonist Riss, who took a bullet in ‘15 and still draws with a smirk.
So, they published, knowing it’d spark fury, X storms, and maybe worse. To fund their rebellion and keep the presses rolling, they’re calling on you—readers, rebels, and bacon enthusiasts—to fuel the fight. Support Charlie Hebdo’s fearless satire at patreon.com/berndpulch for monthly defiance or drop a one-time donation at berndpulch.org/donation. Every euro keeps the laughter alive, the goats nervous , and the kebabpocalypse at bay! Join the resistance—because freedom of expression is worth more than a thousand falafel bombs.
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