—
“May 1st and the White Witch of Jamaica: A Kilgore Trout Field Report from the Edge of Empire”
By Kurt Vonnegut (via the fried antennae of Kilgore Trout)
It was May Day. 🛠️⚒️💀 All across the smog-smeared globe, workers were marching, yelling, and celebrating the concept of labor by refusing to do any. Somewhere in Bavaria, a politician in lederhosen made a speech so dull that cows wept. 🐄🎤
But I, Kilgore Trout, intergalactic failure and part-time fiction smuggler, had more urgent matters. I was on a classified assignment: investigate the sudden reappearance of the White Witch of Jamaica—an ethereal force wrapped in voodoo, Vatican stock options, and vintage CIA perfume. 🧙♀️🌴📉🕯️💸
Scene One: Arrival at Goathead Bluff
I landed in Jamaica in a rented UFO disguised as a Ryanair flight. 🛸✈️ Customs didn’t care—one agent just asked if I had brought more “witch-coin.” 🪙🪄
In the jungle, under a burning moon 🌕🔥, I found her. The White Witch. A pale woman in a cloak made of IMF bailout documents and European arrest warrants. 🧾📉💶
She greeted me in five languages, none of them human. Her parrot screamed, “Inflation is theft!” 🦜📈
Scene Two: The Witch Explains the May Day Curse
“You think this is about workers, don’t you?” she sneered, brewing something that smelled like Reagan’s sweat and Tesla short positions. 🧪💀
“May Day was co-opted by hedge-fund druids and ESG witches. Now, each time a worker waves a red flag, somewhere a banker gets a bonus.” 💰🧛♀️⚖️🚩
She handed me a scroll. It was encrypted in emojis and blood. The message was clear:
“Capital has eaten the revolution and asked for seconds.” 😵🍽️🤑
Scene Three: Escape from the Crypto Carnival
Suddenly, the jungle lit up with holographic Lenin clones and NFT goblins offering union discounts. 🧠📲🎪
“Run!” the parrot yelled. “They’re about to sacrifice Bernie Sanders for clickbait!” 🔥💀🐒
I escaped through a wormhole shaped like the IRS logo. 📜🌀 The White Witch whispered, “Tell them, Trout. Or don’t. They’ll laugh either way.” 🤡💫
Epilogue: May 2nd, in a Fox News Segment
Back in New Jersey, I watched as pundits declared May Day a success—for shareholder morale. 📺💳📈
Somewhere, deep in a Swiss vault, the White Witch laughed and cast a spell to make Lagarde forget her PIN. 🪄🏦🧙♀️💥
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