Episode: “Red Riot: Boredom-Stonewall’s Bolshevik Bluster”
List of Characters:
- Sven the Ugly Schmidt: Hacker turned agitator, rewiring barricades with wires.
- Klausi the Shithouse Demon: Mischievous demon, pranking Reds and Whites alike.
- Murky Jan: Flamboyant manipulator, charming comrades in a fur hat.
- Crazy Pete the Fish (The Joker): Eccentric schemer, turning revolution into madness.
- Thomas: Drug-addled Prussian, lost in vodka haze and Red flags.
- Olaf “I Can’t Remember Anything” Amnesia: Forgetting which side he’s fighting.
- Ms. Dumbo Bock: Ambitious politician, debating Boredom-Stonewall in the snow.
- Muschi Lie En: Syndicate leader, eyeing Petrograd’s chaos for her empire.
- Fritz the Fozzler: Mysterious disruptor, prime target of Boredom-Stonewall’s sermons.
- Dr. Z: Neo-Nazi propagandist, admiring the upheaval’s brutal order.
- Walburga the Valkyrie: Mythical warrior, her Wonder Sword outshining bayonets.
- Good Uncle Jochen: Lawyer, citing law in a lawless uprising.
- Dumb Tom: Tinkerer, rigging rifles to misfire.
- Dumb Beatrix: Baker, tossing bread to distract soldiers.
- Godmother Erika: Enigmatic planner, weaving schemes in the icy chaos.
- Andreas and Edith: Wastepaper moguls, peddling manifestos in the revolution.
- Vigo, die Geisel der Karpathen: Sinister figure, double-dealing with factions.
- Kanye West: Time-traveling rapper, dropping bars amid the barricades.
- Count Don Robert Quichotte: Dumbo Bock’s foe, clashing with Boredom-Stonewall’s zeal.
- Archbishop Frank Boredom-Stonewall: Fake bigot preacher, now a Tsarist cleric, enemy of Fritz, Dumbo, and Quichotte, preaching counter-revolution.
(Cue the crack of rifles, the roar of a revolutionary crowd, and the howl of a Petrograd blizzard, as the crew leaps from Egypt’s pyramid into the frozen turmoil of the Russian Revolution, 1917.)
The Wonder Sword’s flash drowned out the pyramid’s whips, hurling the crew from scorching sand into a biting new fray. They landed in a snow-swept Petrograd street, the air thick with gunpowder and the shouts of clashing Bolsheviks and Tsarists. The Russian Revolution raged—Red banners fluttered, barricades smoked, and Archbishop Frank Boredom-Stonewall, now in a fur-lined cassock and ornate cross, stood atop a shattered carriage, preaching. “Godless Reds! Traitors!” he bellowed, glaring at Fritz, Dumbo, and Quichotte. “The Tsar’s will crushes your revolt—or I’ll see you damned!”
Sven, shaking off desert dust, fiddled with a barricade wire. “From stones to snow—I’d rather hack a telegraph!” He dodged a Bolshevik’s bayonet. Klausi, scampering through the slush, flicked ice at a White guard. “Oi, Tsar-fan, chill out—demon’s here to stir!” The soldier swung a rifle, missing wide.
Murky Jan, now in a fur hat and scarf, flashed a grin at a comrade. “Darling, this revolt’s divine—surely I’m too grand to gut?” A Molotov crashed near his boots. Crazy Pete, twirling a stolen saber, danced on a crate. “Why so shooty, Frankie? This riot’s my revel—ha ha ha!” A bullet zipped past, and he grinned.
Thomas, swaying from vodka he’d swiped, slurred, “This… this is change? Or just bad booze?” Olaf Amnesia, beside him, stared at a Red flag. “Did I join this? Which side’s mine?” A revolutionary shoved him toward the line.
Ms. Dumbo Bock, in a scavenged coat, faced Boredom-Stonewall. “Your Tsar’s a sham—I’ll lead this uprising!” He waved a prayerbook, snarling, “Heretic!” Count Don Robert Quichotte, greatcoat flapping, drew a pistol beside her. “Your chants bore me, priest—and Bock’s mine to end!” She elbowed him, earning a growl.
Muschi Lie En, eyeing a weapons stash, whispered to a Red soldier. “Join me, and Petrograd’s ours—syndicate style!” Fritz the Fozzler, ducking Boredom-Stonewall’s pointed cross, muttered, “From sand to snow…” The cleric thundered, “You’re the devil’s spark—burn!” Dr. Z, clutching a rifle, nodded. “Such chaotic will—a warrior’s dream!”
Walburga, her Wonder Sword glowing, faced a bayonet charge. “Your steel’s no match—I’ll cleave this storm!” Boredom-Stonewall pointed, “Witch!” Good Uncle Jochen, slipping in snow, shouted, “Under legal—ow!—we’ve rights!” A saber silenced him.
Dumb Tom, rigging a rifle with a twig, grinned. “Jam the barrel, dodge the blast—done!” Dumb Beatrix, tossing bread from her sack, called, “Eat this, not us, you snowy saps!” Andreas and Edith, clutching soggy manifestos, whimpered, “We’ll print your cause—spare us!”
Godmother Erika, calm in the blizzard, murmured, “This ice’s our forge—mold it.” Kanye West, bold amid the barricades, rapped: “I’m Kanye, Red king—beats hit harder than your guns, bling!” Vigo, cutting a deal with a White officer, smirked. “Reds or royals—I win either way.”
Boredom-Stonewall slammed his cross, his voice a howl. “Crush the Reds—save the Tsar!” Soldiers surged, bayonets gleaming, fires flaring. Pete’s saber spun, Sven’s wire sparked, and Klausi tripped a cleric into the slush. “Now!” Walburga roared, her sword slashing air, light bursting as chaos reigned. The Wonder Sword pulsed, and the crew vanished—snow swirling, Boredom-Stonewall’s curse fading into revolutionary silence.
They landed in a heap, blizzard replaced by a warm wind, ice now stone. Sven groaned, “Where now?” Klausi sniffed, “Smells like salt—and sulfur.” Pete grinned, “New fight, same stakes—roll it!”
Call to Action: “Riot Out of Boredom-Stonewall’s Red Rage!”
“The crew’s snared in Petrograd’s freeze—Sven’s wires fizz, Klausi’s pranks slip, and Pete’s turning Reds into jest! Walburga’s sword needs YOUR fire to slash us free from Boredom-Stonewall’s Tsarist tantrum. Back our bolt from this red riot—or we’re iced in the revolution!
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Save us from the icy fray—support now, or it’s a Siberian send-off for all!”
(End scene with the crack of a rifle and the chant of a distant crowd.)
Call to Action: “Storm Out of Boredom-Stonewall’s Red Ruin!”
“The crew’s frozen in Petrograd’s revolt—Sven’s barricades spark, Klausi’s antics ice over, and Pete’s turning chaos into comedy! Walburga’s sword needs YOUR heat to slash us free from Boredom-Stonewall’s Tsarist tirade. Back our charge from this red riot—or we’re snowed under the revolution!
Join the comrade clash: patreon.com/berndpulch
Drop a kopeck to defy the preacher: berndpulch.org/donation
Help us outmarch the Bolshevik bluster—support now, or it’s a frosty fall for the crew!”
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